Dear Muffy & Coral,
The red & blue dishes on the kitchen floor near the water cooler are yours and
contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please
note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a
claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically
pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the
object. Tripping me up doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about
this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your
comfort. As cats, you can actually curl up in a ball when you sleep. It is
not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the
fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and
having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but
sarcasm.
For the last time Coral, there is no secret exit from the bathroom. If by
some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
necessary to claw, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge
and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I
entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years and feline
attendance is not required.
The paper towel roll in the kitchen & toilet rolls in the bathrooms Coral are
not fun items to drag all over the house & rip to shreds when I'm away.
The house & garden has enough space for two cats to share. You don't have to
get ratty with each other because you both want to be in the same spot at the
same time.
I know where the cat biscuits are kept Muffy. You don't need to keep reminding
me where they are by standing in front of the cupboard and moaning at me to
give you some. You are already overweight & should consider enrolling at
Weight Watchers.
I know you have your heart in the right place Coral when you proudly present
me with a poor bird that you cleverly caught in the neighbourhood. Please
stop this activity because birds are God's creatures too. If you don't stop,
I will be forced to fit a louder bell to your collar.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell your fellow cat's butt. I cannot
stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front
door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Cats:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
That's why they call it "fur"niture.
3. I like my cats a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, they are just animals. To me, Muffy & Coral are my adopted son &
daughter respectively who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and can't speak
clearly.
Remember: Cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3 Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...
11. Coral can't get pregnant, because she's fixed.
12. Muffy can't get up to mischief because he's fixed too,
Tim
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